perhaps i was in the wrong, i didn't see it coming and stuff. come on, make things right. what can go wrong? i'm tired of holding on to something which is so unreal. i thought, i hoped, and i wished and i waited. but it's to no avail. i guess it's time to change again, welcome back val.

anyway~

tomorrow i have CMATHS class test and OOPG lab test and guess what? my brain isn't functioning properly and it is protesting for me to sleep HAHA :X and i haven't even continued reading my manga. i decided i should only read after i finish studying but then again i haven't even started. and i'm supposed to aim for Z for both subjects. HAHAHA. pull yourself together, val. T_T jgrasp... zzz.

some people just can't appreciate what they have til it's gone.

trust me, at the moment, it sucks to be me.

and no, no one would understand cuz even i can't understand it myself.

UMBRELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, ELLA ELLA EH EH EH EHHHHHHHHHHHH~

tell me 50 uses of umbrella, please. so far i only found 29. -_-"

if you could only have understood me from the beginning, i wouldn't even have to say anything. you said i'm selfish and all, but time to time again, i've always put all of you first as my priority. i've never been selfish. it's my interest, so why can't you try to understand? it hurts everytime we talk about it because i have to oppose what all of you said. you don't know how does it feel to be me, i know all of you had never tried to reach to me and know me better but think. you all claim that i do not know your feelings, that the outside world is dangerous and all. but in another hand, all of you had never been me, so how could you possibly understand? am i wrong if i am doing something i like, which do not harm anyone? am i wrong if i just want to do something which i have passion in to kill sometime? i am not a puppet who always need to follow your instructions. i am eighteen years old and at the very least i could differentiate what's good and what's bad. you don't know what kind of experience i went through, you were not there beside me when i was at my happiest moment everytime i performed, and you were not there to witness how hard the efforts i put in and how tired i was of the practices and stuff. you were not there when i'm injured, you were not there when i need some support, you were not there when i cried from feeling all the nerves and sadness, and you were not there to watch me perform. so who doesn't understand who now? i went through everything alone, yes, alone, without having any of you there. now, do you understand? you will never be able to understand how sad i am whenever we start talking about this, because all of you simply decided that what i am doing is wrong instead of trying to back me up a little and share stuffs with me and try to see things my way. whatever, okay. stop calling me unfillial because i never abandoned my part. if i were to be ignorant, if i were to be selfish, i would have gone to the SM audition last year without caring a single word from any of you! yet i stayed because i do not want to be selfish, and this is the kind of attitude i get. what the fuck, okay. i am sick and tired of this.