i am supposed to sleep now since i'm going to ICA tomorrow morning, but then again i can't sleep. at times like this, my brain tends to think a lot and i just don't feel like keeping my thoughts to myself. so might as well blog about it.

someone from my past told me before that being a kind person is not easy. he told me that in order to help a person, sometimes we need not be kind to them; which i find it very true. he advised me not to be too nosey with other people's problem, because when they become over-dependent, it means i am not helping them at all. until now i still remember his words; all of them. and this guy i have been mentioning was someone who was really important to me last time, but right now, even though we have lost contact, he still is a special friend to me. like, an idol, may be. hahaha.

there was once a friend of mine judged me to be a despo because i tend to be too caring to people i love. like, best friends, close friends, god-siblings et cetera. i admit that when i am extremely close with a person, i tend to be over-protective and over-worry, may be 'possessive' would be a good word. ever since that incident of my best friend calling me a despo, i changed quite a lot. well, call me over-sensitive, but at that point of time, it really hurts me a lot. not now, though, because i got over it. i believe that i am way better now compared to me in the past. i realized that trusting is a form of care too, so yeah.

i wouldn't say my secondary school life was perfect too. i'm referring to my secondary school years here in Singapore. well i had a lot of friends, i was a prefect and a student leader too. i gotta say they are mostly nice people, but there were some idiots who pissed the hell out of me. and there were backstabbing cases too. misunderstandings were not an uncommon issue either. nope, i wasn't the culprit. i was the victim. but what's the point on fussing about it, yes? after all, all those arguments, quarrels, and all those shits which happened then showed me something. it enlightened me as who were worth being friends with, and who weren't. it proved me that true friends stayed and helped us to the correct path, but fake friends are just there for the sake of being there.

there are things i regretted, but of course, it can't be mended now. all i could say is, sorry.

will you believe if i had said that i used to be a loner? i know right now people think of me as someone who is talkative, friendly, sociable, helpful and stuffs like that. to put it in a not-so-positive way, i talk too much at times. well, the 'me' last time likes to be alone. i liked the peace and the quietness when no one's around; probably the reason why i didn't have much friends back then. i thought i could live without them. so when i finally came to my sense that i had no friends, people around me had already regarded me as someone who is arrogant, bossy, and unfriendly. so far from the truth, yes? but well, i guess first impression counts. in this case, i was at fault too. haha. this was probably the reason why i had been so in love with dogs. because when i was alone back then, my only friends were my two pet dogs at home. sad, yes? but i wasn't sad back then. because after all, dogs are humans' most loyal best friends. you might not believe me and you might think i am making all these up, but i am being honest right now.

my parents had always wondered if i would survive on my own one day when they would not be there to take care of me. well, i am a lazy person after all. they feared that i might not be able to make it in this cruel society. and my sister often looks down on me too. she had always 'made use' of me. so five years ago, she had some issues with her ex-boyfriend and pleaded my parents to send me to Singapore to accompany her. thinking that it was a great chance for me to learn to be independent, my parents sent me here. no, they didn't force me. it's just that going against parents' words are not in my dictionary. to me, i detest seeing my parents sad or disappointed. hence, i came to Singapore, even though it caused me a great sadness back then. i had to leave someone i adored much. err... the mushy term would be my 'first love'. HAHAHA. okay whatever. back then i was still immature.

i didn't regret coming to Singapore. i met a lot of great people, great friends, great teachers. the people i knew helped me along to improve my attitude and become a better me. thinking about all of these now, i feel really grateful that my parents sent me here.

now, the question is, am i sure about my next decision? about wanting to go somewhere further than Singapore?

i've always told myself not to do things which i'd regret in this life. because i knew, life is too short for that. i wanted to make my dream come true; my closest friends would probably know what am i talking about. many people told me it was almost impossible, but i stood firm about what i believe. but nowadays things are getting rough, so many things had affected my decision. no, i still want to go there. i am SURE and CERTAIN i'll get there someday. but what about the people i am leaving behind?

geez. sucks to be me.